Cultivating Conscious Awareness

My spirit is asking me to slow down.

Cultivating awareness and mindful consciousness of self is a difficult process, mostly because of how different you feel after you've begun. But it is a journey that I wish all of us would take because ultimately, it leads to a greater understanding and appreciation of who we are as individuals and how we relate to and affect those around us.

What the journey entails is an inner awakening, an arousal of the spirit, and for me, a desire to live the best, most fulfilling life possible. I've had many enlightened moments and experiences in my life - some brief, others lasting for months - but the process first started for me 7 years ago, at the dawn of the new milennium, when I decided that I no longer wanted to live a surface-level life.

I took a 3-week vacation to New Zealand to visit a good friend and see a new place, over Christmas/New Years of 1999/2000. I didn't expect my inner life to change as dramatically as it did over those 3 weeks. I had graduated from college 6 months before and had spent the time since graduation basically goofing-off. I made choices that kept me rolling with the crowd and that appeared to be making me happy. The problem was that my behavior wasn't feeding my soul. In fact, it was slowly deteriorating it.

I didn't fully realize or appreciate this until I was removed from the environment I was functioning in. The 3 weeks I spent in New Zealand brought new health, vitality and inspiration into my life. I spent most of my time hiking and backpacking out in nature, for the most part, alone. It felt Great! I connected with myself and my spirit in a way that was truly profound. I felt a sense of clarity that was rejuvinating and a sense of inspiration that was strengthening. I made some soul decisions during that time away that set me on a new path, in a new direction.

I decided that I no longer wanted to be a pretender. I no longer wanted to live on the surface. I wanted to be authentic and real. I wanted to cultivate real experiences in life rather than stage false ones. I was excited about my discoveries and couldn't wait to get home and share myself with my friends.

What I realized upon returning to the environment I left was that I had changed, but it hadn't. I tried to find ways to fit back into my environment but found it to be extremely difficult and very unfulfilling. Change is a very dynamic and personal thing. Most creatures fear change which is why people rarely do. One person's change can appear to be threatening to the rest of the group, who may not want to or be ready to change. For me, however, because the change was at a spirit/soul level, it was pretty much impossible to go back.

I have struggled with moving forward, in a number of ways, ever since then. Because of my new-found consciousness and understanding of myself, my relationships because increasingly difficult. I wanted those I cared about to become more aware themselves. I wanted to share this idea of authenticity with them so that we could connect on a new level. What I've realized though is that awareness and consciousness don't happen for everyone and they certainly don't happen just because you'd like it to.

Life experiences build up walls around us, some of them so thick and deep that we can't access our souls. It is an obvious form of self-protection. In one way, it is a beautiful thing, this innate need to protect our souls. In another way, it can prevent us from accessing the part of ourselves that so badly wants and needs to authentically connect with others in our lives. It is these very walls of protection that keep us from loving ourselves and others fully and that lead to destructive internal and external behaviors.

I believe that part of our purpose here, part of the journey, is working to take down our walls so that we can finally commune and connect with our spirit, our soul, our God. God lives inside each one of us and the closer we can get to that piece of spirit within, the closer we are to the essence of our being: to peace, to happiness, to joy, to security, to wisdom, to knowledge, to enlightenment.

Knowing this can actually be quite frustrating, especially when dealing with loved ones who are so steadfastedly living behind their walls. I've found that I am now so much more sensitive to energy I encounter in myself, in other people, and in my environment. It doesn't always feel good and it can actually be quite depleating if it is not properly managed.

This is the stage I am currently in. I am aware of the fact that I have developed and accessed a deep part of consciousness that makes me more aware of myself and also makes me more aware of the energy embodied in others. It is an interesting yet oftentimes lonely and frustrating place to be. I believe it is a necessary stage to go through in order to progress on this journey.

What this stage is asking me to do is to work on my relationships with other people - to make myself and my spirit understood. In certain ways, I still feel bound the person I was before I woke up and it makes it difficult to continue moving forward. I am not necessarily interested in cutting ties - I am more interested in discovering how I can genuinely and authentically honor my spirit and my new self within the context of these relationships. With some, it may not be possible but I believe that true wholeness is lived and experienced when you can successfully do that. I also believe that like-attracts-like and if you can truly honor and embody changes to your spirit, you will end up finding like-minded individuals who can connect with and feed your inner being. (It is no coincidence that I met my husband 5 months after my trip to New Zealand.) I'm finding that it is not easy but at least I've identified that which needs to be done so that now I have a place from which to move.

It all started today by making the decision to honor myself - my spirit and soul - and what I was feeling. When we ignore our spirit, we will find ourselves slowly depleating. Once uncovered, the spirit needs to be fed regularily with quality, substance and love. Self-care requirements increase and become that much more important because the divinity within you is exposed.

What a blessing to know how close we can be to God if we give ourselves permission to take down the walls which keep us separated from Him. It it true that true beauty lies within. The more honest and authentic we are about ourselves, the more it can and will be seen.