As I've said before, I find certain topics that Oprah Winfrey addresses on her show to be interesting so I record each episode with my TIVO and choose which ones I want to watch. Two shows I've recently viewed talk about women who have let themselves go or feel like they've lost themselves in their marriage or relationship. I see how this could happen to a lot of women and I think there are a few key things that we can keep in mind to prevent it.
I think that what happens for a lot of women entering into a committed relationship like marriage THESE DAYS is that they consciously or unconsciously become self-sacrificing in many if not all areas of their lives. The traditional picture of marriage depicts a husband who works for the family and a wife who supports him at home. I believe in that model but not at the expense of either partner's personal goals or ambitions.
These days, most women are working or have careers before or at the time that they get married. Women are afforded many more freedoms and responsibilities than they were 50 years ago and most women embrace them by having jobs as well as personal and financial independence.
What happens a lot today, however, is that when a couple decides to marry, many women are simply abandoning the lives they spent so many years working to create for themselves. If they had bought a house, they usually sell it. If they had a job, sometimes they quit because they end up moving, they have children, or their husband can afford to provide for both of them. If they had an active social life, sometimes they stop going out as much now that they have a man at home. What ends up happening, rather innocently, is that many women end up living a life that they don't recognize because they have inadvertently given up parts of their life that defined them, and also because they no longer even have the same name!
The women on Oprah's show talked about their lives pre and post marriage and it's mostly the same story. Pre-marriage, most of them had jobs, friends, hobbies, interests, CONFIDENCE, and seemed to thrive on their independence. Post-marriage, the picture was much different. These women said that they were tired, they stopped exercising and getting various beauty treatments, they were bored, uninspired, lonely, depressed, felt trapped, and didn't seem to know who they were anymore. They describe not recognizing themselves and didn't feel like they were the woman they were when they met their husband, before they got married.
I believe in marriage and it's not to say that any of this happens because of the husband. I think that what happens is that women naturally want to please other people, to be loved and accepted and so they end up putting all of that onto their life with their husband. I think a lot of women are afraid of asserting their independence in front of their partner because they are afraid that he will not be happy with that.
I believe that this situation is a symptom of the fact that family life has dramatically changed over the past 50 years. Marriages and lifestyles don't resemble the tradtional model where the husband works to support the family and the wife then supports the husband at home. Women today are able to be much more independent but when they get married, they, for some reason, ditch their independence for a more self-sacrificing role that feels foreign to them and much less satisfying because it's only what they think they should do or that it's what their husband wants them to do. Even the role of a "Mom" looks different today. Mom's traditionally give all of their time, effort and energy to their kids and their families without leaving much time for themselves and things that they want in life but I believe that Today's Mom can do both.
Some women are afraid of being themselves in their relationship (meaning an independent person who likes to take time for herself) for fear of turning their partner off and because they feel that it would take their focus away from being a "good" wife and/or mother. They try to adopt a persona that doesn't mesh with today's society and they end up losing touch with who they are in the process. It can be a devastating experience and probably contributes to the high rate of divorce in this country. I do believe, however, that it can be avoided!
What most women don't realize is that their husbands would probably be thrilled for their wives to pursue a career, hobbies, or personal interests if it would make them happy! For women who are already in this situation, the most important thing for them to do first is to choose to make themselves a priority in at least one aspect of their life - and it starts by giving yourself TIME. 30-90 minutes a day is a good place to begin. And in those 30-90 minutes, do whatever you want to do whether it's exercise to get your figure back, get your hair/nails/skin treated, go shopping for clothes that make you feel great, read a book you want to read, take a class you are interested in, call or go out with a friend, take a bubble bath or meditate, go to church, volunteer in the community, or pursue a career you would like to have. The important thing is that you take this time for yourself EVERY DAY and that you feel NO GUILT for doing it! We all deserve to have time for ourselves and more importantly, we have to be doing something in our life that makes us feel whole.
What most of these women seem to be mourning is their independence. As women, we tend to be nurturers and that's great because it is instinctual and part of our design. However, that doesn't mean that we can't also at the same time exercise our independent nature as well.
In order to have a successful and healthy relationship or marriage, both people have to be able to cooperate and co-exist but they also have to hold onto their independent nature and the things that make them different. It's the ultimate experience of two people coming together as one: two different independent people coming together to create one new bond of love. Don't misinterpret that to mean two people trying to become one person because inevitably, the other person will suffer.
What's important for women to focus on when preparing for a commitment like marriage is what their partnership will mean and look like after they've said "I do". I would suggest that women wait to shed various aspects of her life until after she has been married for a year; meaning that if she has a job that she thinks she might like to quit, I think she should keep it for a while so she can experience what married life is like before giving it up, if she has purchased a piece of property, she should keep it for a while before selling it, if she goes out regularly with her friends she should continue to do so for a while.
The point is that I think that women should hold onto their pre-marriage life for at least the first year of their marriage. That gives each partner time to adjust to their new life together and also to make decisions together based on what they want in the future. Trying to make all of those decisions before you are even married is too hard, almost impossible, and can put unnecessary strain on the relationship.
Women need to realize that we ARE more independent these days and that's OK! Being independent doesn't make you a bad wife or a bad mother. In fact, being true to, developing and exploring who you are probably makes you a better wife and mother! Women need to find the confidence to maintain and exercise our independent nature and do the things in life that make us feel whole.
Marriage is a wonderful way to share our whole selves in a very deep and intimate way with another human being and to find ourselves developing our personalities and interests along the way. It's about maintaining an even BALANCE between partners so that one person's life doesn't overshadow the other's. The best relationships honor and respect the bond and connection between two individual lives. It is possible to be true to your independent self AND to also be a committed, loving partner.
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